


Hostess Twinkies Presents: The Avengers in "Birthday Blues"

by KingWatney



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Twinkies, cakes eaten erotically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWatney/pseuds/KingWatney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is up to no good (as usual) and only the power of Hostess Twinkies with their delicious creamy filling can stop him!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hostess Twinkies Presents: The Avengers in "Birthday Blues"

**Author's Note:**

> A/N – So, I’m in the process of de-anoning from Norsekink. This is a fill for this lovely prompt:  
> http://norsekink.livejournal.com/11337.html?thread=26327881#t26327881 which was in turn based on the ridiculous old-school Hostess ads that they used to carry in comic books, in which bad guys would drop everything and let themselves be arrested if the heroes threw a couple of snack cakes at them. (Examples: http://www.geekosystem.com/hostess-marvel-ads/#0) 
> 
> There are hints of Loki/Tony in this, but it's really just Loki being a troll and Tony being easily aroused.

Happy Birthday, Loki. 

It was all anyone could say. All across the country, people opened their mouths to chat, lecture, debate – and they said, “Happy Birthday, Loki.” Police fielded calls from panicked citizens shouting “Happy Birthday, Loki,” and found that they could only say the same in reply. Parents tried to soothe frightened children, and said “Happy Birthday, Loki.” People gathered in churches, and prayed: “Happy Birthday, Loki.” The president appeared on television to calm a distressed nation and announced, “Happy Birthday, Loki.” 

Writing made no difference. People’s hand’s jerked of their own accord to spell out the birthday message. It was printed on the cover of every newspaper and magazine. Twitter and Tumblr were just a long, repeating stream of “Happy Birthday, Loki.” The clouds in the sky had arranged themselves read “Happy Birthday, Loki,” and satellite feeds confirmed that several rivers had been re-arranged to write the same message across the United States.

“Happy Birthday, Loki,” had been carved into the face of the moon. 

The only ones left untouched by the magic were the Avengers. Thor said with a grave air that Loki was trying to get their attention, and Tony thought that was pretty fucking obvious. Of course, it also meant that the Avengers had to handle the situation, which Nick Fury made clear as he shouted “Happy Birthday, Loki,” over the phone at them. 

Loki had littered the city with brightly wrapped presents, and at noon they had all simultaneously unwrapped, spewing out chaos. Some boxes had given birth to monsters, others shot up roaring flames or showers of ice. A few were actually harmless and whimsical, like one box that erupted an endless stream of butterflies, or another that launched custard pies at Thor when he got within range. The pies somehow managed to not hit anyone else. Just Thor. 

It was very different from the Chitari attack, and Tony thought he should be grateful for that. Aside from being so god-damned silly, it was also miraculously free of casualties. Loki had given civilians plenty of time to clear the streets, and the monsters were all targeting the Avengers themselves, ignoring people huddled in coffee shops and office buildings. 

It actually made Tony even more annoyed. Because the bastard was just playing with them. He wasn’t even trying to take over the world. He was just playing. But it also gave them an opportunity to test a strategy that Coulson, Steve and Thor had been talking about for awhile. They called it Operation Hostess. 

By the time the group caught up to Loki, Tony had had more than enough “whimsy.” His suit was battered and low on power. Clint was out of arrows. Thor was bruised and covered in custard. And Captain America, Black Widow and Hulk were halfway across the city, trying to corral a herd of unicorns that had trampled Central Park. 

Loki was perched on top of an abandoned limousine, because of course he was, giving them a shark-like grin. 

“So, apparently it’s your birthday. Don’t ask me how I know, I just have a sixth sense for these things,” Clint quipped, staying well back. With no ammunition left, he was perfectly happy to let Iron Man and Thor handle the beat-down. 

“Yes,” Loki hissed. “And since no one remembered, I decided to throw myself a little party.” His eyes gleamed dangerously. 

“Oh, I remembered, Princess,” Iron Man drawled. “And I got you a present! I made it myself.” He sent a missile screaming down the street towards the crazed god. Loki teleported away, re-appearing a few blocks down as the limousine exploded in flames. 

“Not my style,” he called back to them. “But I guess it’s the thought that counts.” Thor was already charging through the smoke towards Loki. Loki put his hands on the ground and did something that made the street ripple and sway, knocking Thor off of his feet. 

“A forgotten birthday, brother?” Thor asked as he struggled to stand. “You bring chaos and destruction upon this city over a forgotten birthday? Why, if you had only come to me, I would have celebrated with you, with much singing and drinking and ice cream –“ 

“Not just one forgotten birthday, Thor. Forty-eight! Forty-eight forgotten birthdays, when your sparring or your wenching, or your stupid friends were more important than me!” 

“I am sorry, Loki. But we had lived for many centuries. Surely forty-eight is not such a large number out of hundreds – “

“I have _never_ forgotten your birthday, Thor,” Loki screamed, and now he was starting to look genuinely unhinged – eyes wild and tearful, face red. “Never! NOT ONCE!” Then he hoisted an SUV over his head and flung it at the thunder god. Thor caught it and set it down gently on the ground, which only seemed to enrage Loki more. 

“Oh, for fucks, sake, enough of this petty bullshit, God of Issues!” Tony snapped. “We. Don’t. Care. We don’t care that Daddy didn’t love you enough, and we especially don’t care that it’s your birthday.” He punctuated this with another missile. This time Loki made a motion with his hands and the missile actually stopped in mid-air, then rocketed back towards Tony. 

“Oh, shit!” Tony and Clint flung themselves to the ground as the missile swept over their heads and exploded a delivery truck. When had Loki started doing that? That was a new one. 

“I don’t recall asking you to care. In fact, I don’t recall inviting you to this party, Stark.”

“Tony Stark is invited to every party, Reindeer Games. And it’s obvious you wanted us to come out and play. Now shut down this little diva tantrum. You are not special. The world does not revolve around you. And no one is obligated to give a shit when your birthday comes and goes.” 

“Surprising advice to hear from you, Stark. I modeled this little celebration after your own party last year.” 

That made Tony pause for a moment. Okay, maybe it was true that he’d hacked into the New York Stock Exchange to make it read, “Happy Birthday, Tony Stark.” Perhaps he’d slipped it into a few newsfeeds as well. And maybe he’d paid the New York Philharmonic an obscene amount of money to play “Happy Birthday” to him in Central Park, while sitting in an arrangement that spelled out his name.

But c’mon. It’s not like he’d written it on the moon.

“At least my parties have free booze,” Tony shot back. “I actually know how to show people a good time.

“I can show people a good time,” Loki sneered. “Didn’t you like my little surprise at Stark Tower?” 

“Twas not funny, brother!” Thor shouted. “It breaks my heart that your mischief has grown so dark and hurtful!” The surprise had been a massive explosion of confetti, streamers and party balloons upon opening the doors to Tony’s penthouse floor. For a moment the team had shared a relieved smile, then they’d realized that the streamers were razor sharp, and the balloons were filled with acid. And there was a living birthday cake with flaming eyes and vicious teeth that chased the team around making a completely unnecessary squealing noise. (The Hulk finally cornered it in a side room, and, after some horrifying sounds, emerged with frosting smeared around his mouth. They all agreed not to tell Bruce.) 

Loki threw another car at them, laughing wildly. As Thor batted it aside, Clint caught his eye and gave him a slight nod. Thor nodded back, then pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it. It was time for Operation Hostess to begin. 

Loki stopped in mid-cackle as a plastic-wrapped golden cake flew through the air and landed at his feet. He leaped back behind a car, then peered out cautiously, waiting for it to explode or start shooting lasers.

“Tis a peace offering, brother. A beautiful golden cake, made by the finest bakers in the land. They are rare and of limited supply. I give you this for thy forgotten birthday. Now please undo thy mischief and return with me to Asgard.” 

“Your clumsy lies are dull as lead, Thor,” Loki retorted, creeping forward to poke cautiously at the package with one slender finger. “You really expect me to fall for such an obvious trap? You have filled this cake with poison. Or possibly some kind of tracking device.” 

“Nay, brother!” Thor protested. “Traps and deceit are your methods, not mine! I merely wish to give you this token of my affection.” 

“You must think me as thick-skulled as yourself, brother,” Loki snarled, now holding the Twinkie up to the light and scanning it with magic for explosives, poison and hidden razor blades. “There must be some trick here,” he murmured, surprised to find the pastry free of contaminants. “The cake is a lie, I’m sure of it.” 

“Why don’t you try eating it?” Clint suggested. 

“Silence, archer! I do what I want!” 

“What’s wrong? Afraid of a little cake? That one doesn’t even have teeth. C’mon, I dare you to eat it.” Loki glared at Hawkeye. 

“You’ll not trick me with your petty taunting.” He was carefully pulling open the wrapper now. 

“Fine, don’t eat it,” Iron Man countered. “I dare you not to eat it. In fact, you can’t eat it. It’s forbidden. Thor, get that cake away from him.” Thor looked confused. 

“Nay, I shall not take back a gift –“ 

“Forget it, Thor. The Man of Iron attempts reverse psychology on me. It’s obvious you all want me to eat this cake, and I shall not oblige.” But Loki was clutching the Twinkie close to his chest now, as if fearful that Thor would snatch it away. 

“It’s special ‘Worthy Son Cake,’ Loki,” Tony went on. “Your father made it especially for Thor, he didn’t want you to have any.” 

“Shut up, Stark!” Loki ripped up a stop sign, and flung it like a spear. Iron Man narrowly dodged getting impaled. 

“I swear to you, brother, tis a peace offering, nothing more,” Thor pleaded. “I know that you are fond of sweets. If you are so suspicious, let me share the cake with you, to prove that it is safe.” Loki glared at Thor. Then, with slow, deliberate movements, he broke the cake in half and tossed a piece to Thor. 

“I’m only indulging you in this because I’m getting bored, you know. This fight has been most disappointing.” Thor shoved the entire Twinkie half into his mouth, chewing enthusiastically. He mumbled something about the delicious creamy filling. Loki still looked suspiciously at his half of the cake, glancing between it and Thor. 

“You see, brother,” Thor said after a hearty swallow. “Nothing wrong with this cake.”

Loki sniffed the cake. Then, ever so hesitantly, he licked the center of the Twinkie half. Tony got a disturbingly good view of white cream cupped in a flexible pink tongue before the god shut his mouth. 

“Hmmm…” Now Loki was rolling that same tongue around in his closed mouth. Tony could see the shape of it through his cheeks, and tried very hard not to picture that tongue in other situations. Loki flicked his tongue out again, and let his head fall back. There was really no word for his expression other than “orgasmic.” 

“Mmmm….that is heavenly,” Loki moaned. 

“Indeed, the creamy filling is sweet on the tongue, is it not?” Thor agreed with a booming laugh. “These cakes leave me mightily satisfied.” 

“That’s what she said,” muttered Clint. Loki was easing the cake slowly into his mouth now, and Tony was trying hard not to stare. Loki was doing this on purpose, he just had to be. 

“Oh, Valhalla,” Loki exclaimed. “Sweet ambrosia, such an exquisite flavor. How could mere mortals have concocted this divine ecstasy?” A spot of cream lingered at the corner of Loki’s mouth, and in his mind, Tony was licking it off. Tony swore quietly to himself. His suit’s codpiece was becoming uncomfortably tight. 

“So, you like the cake, then?” Hawkeye deadpanned. 

“Tis excellent cake!” Thor enthused. “I find the cream filling most pleasant!” 

“That’s what she – oh God, I can’t. I can’t even.” Clint just put his hands over his face. Meanwhile, Tony could not take his eyes off Loki, who was slowly sucking cream off of his fingers. 

“Thor, dear brother,” Loki said between sucks. “I would give up all of my wicked ways for more of that cake. I would gladly undo my mischief and join your band of heroes, if only you could procure for me more of that delicious cream filling. Tis the most delightful thing that has ever lain upon my tongue.” 

“Stop, just stop,” Clint muttered from under his hands. 

“Really, brother?” Thor was beaming now. He pulled out another package, holding it towards Loki. “If you keep your word, you can have all the cake you wish. I will personally supply you with creamy filling every day for the rest of your life. Verily, I shall stuff thee full of it.” Clint punched a nearby wall, mumbling, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

Then a few things happened very quickly. Loki teleported in front of Thor, punched him in the face with one hand, and snatched away the second Twinkie package with the other. Then he teleported away again, appearing on a fourth story balcony, laughing maniacally. 

“You fools! Did you think I could be bribed with cake? I can’t believe you didn’t bother to poison it, I’m almost insulted.” Thor looked crushed. 

“I wish it hadn’t come to this, brother,” he sighed. 

“Furthermore, I know that this cake is actually cheap and common, found in stores around the country. I can easily get more creamy filling. I could bath in it, if I so desired.” Loki ripped open the package and took a savage bite of the second Twinkie, as if to prove his point. Tony hoped Thor was up to handling this. Clint had all but curled into a ball by now, still muttering, “I can’t,” over and over. And Tony was trying to mentally will away his erection. 

“Maybe I’ll use magic to fill your precious Stark Tower with cream filling!” Loki was raving. “Maybe I’ll transform the buildings of this city into golden, delicious cake! You cannot stop me! Maybe I’ll……I’ll…….you bastards,” Loki slurred, now starting to sway. Tony grinned. Put the tranquilizers in the second cake, not the first. It had actually been Thor’s idea. 

Thor ran forward as Loki toppled off the balcony, and caught him before he hit the street. 

“You….bastards,” Loki murmured, eyes glazed. “Drown you all in cream filling…” 

“You left me no choice, brother,” Thor said, wiping cream off Loki’s cheek. “Now undo this mischief.” 

“Will wear off by itself…..end of the day,” Loki said, and then began to snore softly. 

To everyone’s surprise, the magic actually did wear off by the end of the day. Clouds and rivers untangled themselves, the writing on the moon disappeared, and people regained their voices. Perhaps the magic had been too difficult to maintain. Or perhaps Loki was just satisfied with his special day. 

To no one’s surprise, Loki escaped from Shield custody the very next day, despite the tranquilizers and the magic-dampening chains. The man was a ghost when he wanted to be. After Loki disappeared, Thor found a stack of the golden cakes on his bedroom floor. 

The cakes were filled with spiders.*

*Hostess wishes to assure the public that the cakes were filled with spiders due to Loki’s tampering. Delicious Hostess Twinkies are not filled with spiders. Hostess Twinkies contain, at most, 0.001% assorted spider parts, well within FDA regulations.  



End file.
